Shit has been wack the last few years for me. Like really bad. Anyone that knows me in real life knows that I have been going through it and not in a good way. It has been a struggle between my mental health, physical health, bad jobs, failed business ventures, life problems and then a job loss just before the pandemic of 2020.
I was completely lost. I had no idea why I had fallen so far and how I had ended up where I was. I went from a super fit, employed writer and filmmaker to this mess of a struggling artist. I had watched goals and dreams crumble in front of me and I was left broken. Lost, angry, horrifically depressed with damaged physical health and nothing to show for the last decade.
It was hard. Hard to look at myself and not want to destroy what I saw. I hated myself. I was the cause of all my ruination and failure. I was spiraling ever further into a dark pit of anguish and self loathing. I was unemployed, my web development studio was limping along, the pandemic was stressing everything out. Things were just falling apart all over the place.
I survived though. With the help of my loving wife, amazing family and friends I was able to stop drowning and gain some perspective. Slowly I started to piece it all together and see why I had ended up in this horrible and dark place.
My whole early life up until my twenties I had wanted to join the Military. This desire came from a place of wanting to change the world and help people. I wanted to do my part to make the world a better place and I saw service in the military as a way to do this. It also promised a life of adventure, new challenges, danger and reward. Basically all the things I craved at that point in my life.
That fell apart when I was found medically unfit to serve. I was in the best physical shape possible, running marathons and Spartan Races, lifting heavy and doing cross fit. I had aced all the mental tests, pre screening tests, interviews, applications, the whole deal. I had done everything right and was a top candidate. However, during the medical exam I disclosed that I had been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder a few years prior.
Disclosing this made me medically unfit to serve. It didn’t matter that I had a note from the psychologist that had treated me. It didn’t matter that I had not had any issues for the past two years. It didn’t matter that the anxiety was well under control and for lack of a better term, in remission. I was denied my dream.
This was the singular moment that created the black hole that began to suck my life away. I could see no other path forward. I had done everything right and still I could not make it work. I had gone to University, got educated, was holding down a lame job waiting for this to play out and it was all taken away from me due to something well out of my control.
I didn’t see it at the time, but I crumbled. I had not realized how much I had built my life around this singular goal. I didn’t want to work in some finance company entering trades all day. I didn’t want an office job. I didn’t want anything for my life except the military and the chance to make change that comes with that service.
The rest of my twenties were spent trying to find a way forward to be honest. I tried and failed to launch a few companies, tried to become a developer, tried to become a writer, a blogger, a YouTube star, a journalist, anything that would give me meaning. I sold out and became something I hated all while lying to myself and telling myself that I was chasing a dream.
I can’t point to a singular moment but it was in 2018 that I started to get back on the path, only without knowing it. And not in the best way possible to be honest. I just said fuck it to everything. I stopped trying at my job, I stopped working out, I stopped doing anything I did not want to do. I built up walls of rage and hate to finally allow myself the space to do what I wanted to do, whatever that was.
I had always done what I was told, followed paths others laid out for me. I had always done what I thought was expected of me. In 2018 that all changed. I embraced the side of me I had been fighting for so long. And it took over. However, I took things too far.
I fell into drinking and drugs. I started skipping work and stopped working hard. I ate like shit and didn’t workout. I just embraced my ego and fell into that kind of self destruction. One thing saved me though, and that was I started my film art project “Cecond Percon”. My artist identity. I started producing art I wanted to make, not art I thought I could sell or find an audience for. I just fell into creativity with no rules other than to do the work.
My life revolved around this. And it centered me on something healthy in my otherwise unhealthy rebellion. Then in 2020 my life was saved by being fired.
It sent me into a spiral for sure, and things fell apart, but I also had, for the first time in my life, space to breathe. I had income from employment insurance and the pandemic benefits. I had loads of help from my family and I managed to finally find a therapist who could help me with my depression, anxiety and newly discovered Autism Spectrum Disorder.
Getting fired probably saved my life. For the first time I was able to take a step back and decided where I wanted to go in life. Where I really wanted to go. I enjoyed filmmaking with Cecond Percon and I enjoyed web development with my studio. I knew I wanted to keep doing those things. I also knew I wanted to do good in the world.
Over the months of 2020 I built myself back up. I recovered from the blow that being rejected by the military had dealt. I recovered from the blows a toxic work environment had dealt. I learned how to stand up and stand alone. I learned to love again. I became myself again.
That was the biggest thing. I rediscovered who I was. Something I had been pressing down for years. I wanted to join the military to do good, to defend people, to change the world for the better. So I started looking for ways to do that in my day to day life.
You don’t need to be part of some grand organization or structure or movement to be and do good. You just need to look for opportunities to do good and jump on them. That is what I did. Over the years I have developed a bunch of useful skills and now I use those skills to help people. Generally with technology stuff but also video editing and just general labor and assistance.
Once you start looking for ways to do good you see how much opportunity there is out there. How many people need help and how you can help them. I found this out and dove in. My goal has always been to change the world, so I started with the world around me. And I continue to do so.
I found a purpose in so many areas of my life. I find purpose in my artistic creations. Things I make with no market intention. I found purpose in my work, a job with an amazing set of people, helping market and maintain financial services that help others. I found purpose in working out to make myself healthy for my wife and family. Also to keep myself able to respond to emergencies and be a helping hand in a crisis. I found purpose in self governance and self ownership. Purpose in maintaining a martial skillset so that I can defend myself and my people against evil if that time comes. Purpose in forging a life of my own. One that I want, and one that I guide.
It all comes back to being and doing good though. Through helping build we can find meaning. I have a lot of work to do to keep these passions alive and keep moving down the right path. But finally, for the first time in my life, things feel right.
It is a good place to be. And I want to help others get to it. I think everyone has a right to feel the way I feel. To feel loved, to feel alive, to feel they have meaning and purpose. So if you are reading this and don’t know what to do please reach out to me. Either in the comments, or on twitter @cecondpercon or if you know me in real life give me a call or text. I don’t know what I can offer, but if you need a hand with anything just let me know and I will see what I can do.
There is always hope, there is always a chance to change and land back somewhere good.
With love and kindness