In my last post on writing “Recovering from Failure” I really dug into my thoughts on writing and my new-found love for it. I guess this post will be more of that but also kind of an explanation on what I have come to think of as my new phase of writing. Going back and editing my abandoned novels, taking a multi-year break and now diving back into it I see a lot of change.
My Phase 1 books I will call my “dark” books. These were different genres ranging from horror to science fiction to coming of age. They all revolved around deeply dark topics and often ended with an unhappy ending. They are good novels and I cherish them but they are very dark. I was trying to write something that had never been seen before, something unique, breaking the rules and genre traditions.
The happiest endings were often tainted with major loss and little resolution. The other endings were simply an end, with death and loss and no chance of recovery or hope. They were books of horror and brutality. A harsh view on the world. A view fueled by a lot of mental health struggles I was going through.
My characters were a reflection of me, plagued by panic attacks, social anxiety, depression and addiction. I wrote through my struggles and put it out into the world, self-publishing my first two novels “The End” and “Children of the Earth” with little revision, too repulsed on my work to go back. Too hateful of it to even bother trying to have it traditionally published. I paid for a cover design, posted on smashwords which was not a great place to self publish, and watched them fail to find an audience.
This only served to reinforce my belief that my writing was trash, that I was never going to be an author, that I could never make it. I kept trying to market them, but I was selling something that really was not in a place to be sold. Plus marketing is shit, I hate it and don’t want to bother with it again for my new stuff. Not out of a place where I don’t think my books deserve to be read but out of a place of self-preservation. I simply cannot market and don’t want to spend the money to pay someone to do it for me. I am happy if my books are only ever read by friends and family.
I kept writing but stopped publishing. I did not want to pay for more covers, fight with the limited formatting options at Smashwords, fight with the difficult formatting to get print on demand working, which was a new technology at the time. My last published book from this phase was “Tales From a Dead Planet” a collection of linked short stories about Earth being ejected from its orbit around the Sun. I actually edited this one a bit and paid a lower fee to a local graphic designer to get the cover made, it’s the only cover I have kept from this phase.
Life went on and I kept writing. I stopped publishing, told myself I was no longer going to self-publish and the only way my books would get out there would be if they were picked up by a traditional publisher.
I finished “Subversion” and immediately started in on “Peeling the Onion”. “Subversion” is a Science Fiction novel about an AI tasked with preserving humanity and it going rogue and faltering. A psychological take because our main character can not comprehend a world where the AI would be wrong. “Peeling the Onion” is my first Crime novel, about a detective chasing a Serial Killer who only kills pedophiles. And about a pedophile ring that breeds children for use in the creation of child porn. A very dark novel, I actually think it is the best from my phase 1, editing it has been a delight.
Finally “Chasing a Reason”, a coming of age novel about a brother uncovering his dead brothers true identity as a killer run wild. Initially his older brother had only maimed his victims, a way to send a message to bullies and people he deemed evil, things escalate and the story is told through journal entries and the younger brother’s perspective. Another one that I like, but once again dark and deeply unsettling.
I shopped these books around to agents, publishers, really anything I could think of. I have a folder in my email of rejection letters. Half my submissions were rejected, half I just got ghosted. This only discouraged me further. These last three novels I had done things right, I had actually tried to get published traditionally and still nothing.
So I gave up. Clearly my work was trash. It took a toll on me, a deep toll. I funneled my creativity into a film based YouTube channel. Taught myself how to edit, shoot and direct films. Did some good work there and honestly the skills I learned I still use for my current hunting YouTube channel. But of course that failed to launch as well because who wants to watch hours of depressing short films on YouTube? I had actually set out to fail, telling myself I did not care if it worked out. The failure still hurt, sill reinforced my self-loathing.
Then for years after I did nothing creative. I just worked and existed. I gave up entirely. Convinced that there was no point to it all. My phase 1 lies as a testament to the hell I was going through mentally at the time, I am proud of it, proud I survived. Proud I was able to channel my pain into art. Proud I did try, I love those books and once I am done editing “Peeling the Onion” I will never touch them again. They are published and will remain published for all to read. For all to take a look into my mind at one of the worst times of my life.
Phase 2 is different. I am finally enjoying writing without the pressure of needing to succeed. Finally writing for pure passion and joy. I am excited every morning when I open my word processor and pick up where I left off. I write on weekends and any time I have the time or energy. Something I have not done since I was a teen. I am loving this new phase, this foray into fantasy and I hope you love it too. I can’t wait for you to read it.