Bruises

What am I Without the Bruises?

I think a lot of people look back on their lives and wish they could erase all the bad things.  Wish that life was just a series of happy memories and experiences.  I know there are a few things I wish I could go back and change.  Thing I wish I had never done or said.  Places I wish I had avoided at the right time.  We all have bruises from life, some of us even have scars, but that is what makes us who we are.




Without the bad things that have happened to me, or that I have done, I would not be who I am today.  If it was all good things I would be some weird, squishy pink mess.  It’s the bad things that harden us.  It’s the bad things that make us resilient and make life special.  It’s the pain that makes the absence of pain something to appreciate.

Without my bruises I am nothing.  So why do I try so hard to avoid them?  Why do I worry about decisions and choices that I need to make?  Why is life a constant attempt to avoid more damage?  I should embrace the damage, realize that bad choices are all part of it and that there is no avoiding the pain.

This might sound pessimistic but life is one long painful journey with brief periods where the pain fades.  It’s the kind of pain that’s constant enough that you hardly notice it until it flares up.  The kind of pain that you notice when it is absent.  That is life, we can only really appreciate it when the pain fades.  We can only appreciate how little pain we normally feel when that pain doubles.

So if life is pain, and if pain defines who we are, then why should I avoid it?  I’ve lived a lucky life and I’ve gotten a lot out of it.  I am generally happy.  The funny thing is, I haven’t got what I wanted out of life.  That doesn’t mean I don’t like the life I have, it just means I need to keep working.  I never wanted to be where I am (working an office job, living in the city) but I’m too scared of the potential pain in making the wrong choice.  Instead I accept the minor pain in exchange for avoiding the larger pain.

That’s not to say that the minor pain isn’t adding up.  I am still working to get where I want to be.  Instead of trying to numb myself with entertainment I spend a lot of my free time working toward where I want to be.  Adding pain and bruises to the existing mess that is me.  That is life though.

I know that when I get where I want to be there will still be pain.  I know that I can’t escape it, it’s just life.  I am nothing without the bruises.  As much as I try to avoid it, as much as I attempt to run from these scars, they will always be there.  It’s better to accept it and embrace it.  Better to understand it.  I am nothing without the bruises.

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