Studio Days

Sometimes nothing happens then suddenly everything happens all at once. That is what the past few weeks have been like for me. I started the studio a few months ago and after an initial flurry of work things kind of dried up. Now I am back to having more work then I have time to do it. Lots of things in motion and it feels great.

Now the difference is that the new work is not really paying work but it is necessary work and work that feeds an artistic need I had let languish too long. It is the work that builds a portfolio and the kind of work that helps my skills stay sharp while also feeding my soul. I am working in a slightly different demographic than when I started the studio, which is why a lot of the work is not paid work. It is also work that helps other artists and professionals that are trying to make it so I don’t mind doing it at no cost.

It feels good. After feeling stuck and spinning in place for two years I think I am finally finding a direction. Finally finding something sustainable that not only pays the bills but also serves a purpose. Finding a way to work for myself. Now it is just finding the time to fit in all the work that needs to be done. Finding time between working my shift at the day job and creating content for another business partner and friend.

As always, I need more hours in the day. But don’t we all. I could also use a paying client or two, but those will come. Everyone needs a little extra cash around the holiday season.

Little surges of stress and fear hit me now and then. Worry about doing the right thing. Our whole lives we are groomed to take a specific path. School grooms us for the corporate world of mindless labor and saying yes to people in positions of artificial power. We are taught that doing something different is a waste of time, that if we pursue something that does not earn money we are heading down the wrong path.

Our whole lives we are taught to be obedient little drones, working hard to climb some bullshit corporate ladder, earn a little more money to buy trinkets and distractions. Things to pull our attention away from how much we hate what we have become. Distractions from how dead we are inside.

We are taught that anything that does not have the potential to make us rich is meaningless. That work done for yourself is selfish. We are essentially taught how to make others rich at the expense of our own freedom. At the expense of our dreams.

So when we take a step off the path we have been forced on there is fear. We are breaking habits that have formed all we know. Of course I am going to be worried. Of course I am going to feel like a fraud, like I am being selfish or taking a stupid risk. I have had these things hammered into me my whole life.

Any movement against the norm is treated with derision. The other crabs in the bucket reach out and try to pull you back in. They tell you it is for your own good. I am finally seeing the truth. I am sick of working to make some other asshole rich. I am sick of only doing things if there is a monetary value attached to it. I am sick of this whole fucking song and dance, this whole stupid game.

I played by all the rules and it got me nowhere. It got me fat and tired, sitting in a dead end job being forced to smile and play office politics. It got me in a position where I have to listen to people drone on about the most boring and mundane things all day. Where I have to sign meaningless platitudes to birthday cards for people I don’t even know. Where I have to pretend to be sad that someone is leaving for a new job when I don’t even know how to spell their last name.

Following the rules and the path laid out for me just ended with me in a state of clinical depression selling my dreams for pennies so that I can pay rent and distract myself with Netflix and video games.

I am done with it all. I am done playing the office game. Done begging the boss for extra scraps and recognition. My eyes are open at last.

If it doesn’t work out then I will suffer the consequences. Such is life. At least the consequences will be because I tried and failed to pursue a dream. Not because I forgot to get an expense approved or because I bought too much shit trying to distract my brain from the meaningless void my life became.

Diving into work with my studio is more than just starting a business. It is finally doing something for myself and not for profit or the dream of buying a house and retiring at sixty five. It is accepting that I have only 40 more years of living on this planet in a healthy body and that it is insane to stick out that time doing shit I hate.

Bit of a rant there. Thanks for reading. Remember to make your life worth dying for.

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