Escape the Binds

Enter into a contract with yourself, one where you promise yourself that you will be free. Enter into a contract and escape. Tied down as we are there must be a way to escape these binds. Or maybe there is not. I don’t know, I have been stuck creatively lately.

I have been sleepwalking though life. Ever since some of my best laid plans fell apart I have been kind of just stumbling onward, going through the motions and not really getting anywhere. I know what I want in a vague way but I don’t know how to get there.

I don’t know how to stop sleep walking. I don’t know how to escape these binds.

The binds of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing it all, fear of being homeless and letting people down. Fear of stressing my loved ones out. Fear of myself and my uncanny ability to fail. Fear is the first rope holding me down.

The binds of comfort. Comfort is dangerous. One cannot grow when one is comfortable. It is far too easy to just keep doing the same thing and to keep living in that comfortable space. That is what I have done with my job. It is easy, not challenging and pays the bills. There is no incentive to push myself there as I have been told there is no room left for me to grow. I know it is a dead end yet I stay because it is comfortable. That is another rope holding me down.

The binds of self-doubt. I don’t think I can achieve anything. I honestly believe this and that belief holds me back. If you know with 100% certainty that you will fail it is hard to find a reason to try. I know that this belief is illogical but that does not mean I can get rid of it. This is a hard rope to cut.

The binds of obligation, real or imagined. I feel obligated to live a specific life, to make people around me proud, to follow a specific path. I have real obligations that need to be met but the imagined ones are better at holding me down, because they are not real they are hard to dispel. This rope may be the weakest one though, even though it is still there.

So how do I plan to escape these binds? I wish I knew. I wish I had a plan. I have some ideas in the works but it is hard to have faith in myself any more. It is hard to escape the binds I have been straining against for so long. I think finally accepting they are there helps though. I think that is a start. We will have to see.

Hopefully I can saw these ropes away and start toward what I really want in life. Start down a path where I am happy to get out of bed every morning. Where I don’t dread Mondays, where I feel like I am accomplishing something.

I need to focus on one at a time, and slowly make my progress toward what is hopefully a brighter tomorrow.

Sorry for the ramble. I just needed to get this down somewhere.

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