My Curse, My Gift

I might seem to be harping on about this but it’s been something that has been on my mind for a bit now.  I think embracing my creativity has caused me more pain in a way because it has taught me that I’m only ever truly happy when I’m working on my art.

By my art I mean the things I love, I mean creating. In my case that means programming, writing and filmmaking.  There is also a little bit of crafting thrown in there too, generally I just enjoy making stuff, from things more classically seen as ‘artistic’ to things people would not view as art (programming).

My problem is twofold, one is that I’m not an expert at any of these things and thus can’t demand a wage for the work I do.  The other is that I only like working on projects I like, so working for someone else (as a programmer for example) would not be rewarding.  I worked as a writer for a bit and hated it because I wasn’t writing what I wanted to write.

I love creating but it has to be on my own terms. That is my curse.  I can’t monetize the one thing I love doing.  The way I earn a living only serves to take time and energy away from what I want to do and this depresses me.  Thus, I’m stuck in a place where I’ve accepted what I love to do but don’t have enough time to dedicate to it 100%.

I already spend nearly all my free time working on my creative pursuits and get no where with any of it.  That’s fine though because I enjoy it and I need to do it. The problem is that I can see what I could accomplish if I just had more time but I’ve got bills to pay.  So I end up feeling trapped.

That is why it’s a curse.  It’s a gift though because at least I have something.  I have a passion and a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  I spent a few years trying to suppress this urge to create because I thought that it was something for young idealistic Craig, not adult ‘chasing the dream’ Craig.  I stopped writing, talked myself out of getting into programming and filmmaking.

Meanwhile I toiled at a job I hated and got nowhere, because I was too depressed to care about it.  I tried to get into the military because I thought that would give my life meaning. I was trying to fill a hole left by abandoning my creativity.  When I failed at getting into the military I was left with nothing.  I had carved myself up in pursuit of a life I never wanted.

It’s only really in the last year and a bit that I’ve embraced my creativity and I have to say that it’s the first time I’ve felt sorted out in a long time.  That’s the gift of it.  Sure some days I feel lost and stuck because I can’t make a living at what I want to do, but other days I feel that the only thing getting me through the day is knowing that I can make something when I get home.

I know I shouldn’t bitch about having a job, and in reality, it could be a lot worse.  Sure I’m stuck in a dead end and sure I don’t really get idle time any more, but the job gets me out of the house and introduces me to some interesting characters I can indirectly insult though my creative work.

Being creative is something I would wish on nobody, especially being creative without talent. But it’s what I am and what I have to live with.  So here I am.

Onto Something Better

With all that said, no more whining.  Life is life and got to make the best with what I can.  Sure I wish I had a time machine but that helps no one.  I’ll keep moving and maybe one day something good will come from all this, maybe I’ll achieve my dream somehow.  Who knows. Can’t make it unless I try.

Keep your eyes on the blog though.  I might have a special reveal / announcement coming up in the next week or so.

Until next time, keep struggling.

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