Passions and What Matters

I was pretty sick recently and when I’m sick I tend to think a lot. Maybe it’s because of the medication or maybe the fever but I find epiphanies when I’m feeling sick. This time around there were a few, and they actually really helped me out.

I was feeling stressed because I haven’t been working or making as much progress as I think I should be making with my coding, writing and other projects. Add to that the feeling that I’ve stagnated in my career and I sort of started spiraling down to a dark place. Wondering what this is all for and wondering what I’m going to do with my life. It was getting to a pretty bad point when I had my epiphany.

I’m not doing all this to get rich or become famous, I’m doing all this because I like it. I like to make cool shit and create good art. I like to contribute to the world and I do it all because I enjoy it. There is no need to reach a certain point or become the best of the best, my life doesn’t depend on these things. I got so caught up in making a living from my art and my craft that I let it become a stressful negative in my life.

I’m where I want to be. There is no race to get more and more, I have all I want. I have a nice apartment, I have people who love me, and I have hobbies and passions. There is no need for more. I don’t need any more, I can find happiness in the act of creating.

Creating can mean writing good books (which I’m working on again by having people beta read my drafts), building cool programs, crafting fun games or filming good art. I have decided to embrace my art and remember the point of art. It’s not to make money, it’s not to get rich, it’s because I don’t know what else to do. I need to create, I can’t imagine a life without doing what I do.

There is also the more guilty fun I have. Things like playing video games or watching movies. I used to be able to do these things and just enjoy them, now I feel like it’s a waste of time. I have decided to let myself actually enjoy doing stuff that isn’t creating. To actually go back to having fun without guilt.

Then comes fitness, and that’s something I need to get back to as well. Not to be the strongest or fastest person around but because it feels good and is fun to do. Because it’s a good thing to respect my body and keep it healthy and because it helps with other things.

My job is just that, a job. It’s not the career I really wanted any way, so it makes no sense to stress over moving up or getting promoted. I need to keep it as stress free as possible actually to save mental room for other things I want to do. It’s just a means to pay the bills and finance my creation of art and refinement of my craft.

These are the realizations I came to while stuck sick for four days. I have to say that I feel so much better having come to these realizations. I was getting caught up in things that didn’t matter, and I needed to return to the real reason for doing any of this. It’s not to make money, I was too caught up in money, it’s because there is nothing better to do.

Since I started working I’ve been too caught up in money. Making more money, saving money, trying to earn earn earn. That’s only been driving me more and more crazy and finally I think I’ve managed to reset to what really matters. It’s not about the money, it’s not about buying a house and being a slave to a mortgage, it’s not about retiring at 55, it’s about doing everything I can to enjoy the ride. It’s about creating the best work I know how.

Kind of a random post here but I just want to share that. I think I’ve (finally) managed to reset to what matters and if I keep focusing on the fact that the point of existence to to create cool and amazing stuff I’ll be alright.

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