For anyone that follows me here, or on twitter or even on my facebook page you’ll notice I’ve been on a bit of a break.  A break from posting, a break from tweeting, instagramming, all the other social ‘ing’s’.  I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus.  For a few reasons, some to do with ‘real life’ and some to do with a touch of burnout.  It just feels like there are not enough hours in the day anymore and I don’t know where they all go, so I needed to let some stuff slide.

For those that may read what I write here you’ll know that I’ve been (trying) to teach myself to code.  That takes up a lot of my limited free time and brainpower and leaves little left for other things.  I did manage to finish the draft of my fifth novel but haven’t started editing it.  I have two other unedited novels to go over and rewrite before I move onto edit this one.  I’ve been struck by a near terminal case of lack of confidence when it comes to my writing though and I find it harder and harder to face my work.

That’s a major problem.  All my life I wanted to be an author and I’m finding that might be one of those unobtainable dreams.  I haven’t felt inspired to write in weeks, not even a short story.  I’ve written five novels so I know that waiting for inspiration is not how you write but normally I can’t last two weeks without finding that itch there.  I’ve lost the drive.  Turns out to be an author you actually have to write well and write things people enjoy reading, and I can’t seem to do that.  I’ll stick to writing form letters for my day job.

When one door closes another opens though, so that’s where I find myself trying to learn to code.  I’ve never felt so dumb in my life.  The only thing I seem to be learning is that there is a hell of a lot more to learn.  I’m starting to think that self-taught programmers who land a job six months after picking up an introductory book are the exception not the rule.  It does give me a creative outlet though, so maybe that’s why I haven’t felt the urge to write.

Basically, I’m taking a leave of absence from my dream of authorship, from my dreams of living in a small cabin up north, from my dreams of being a success.  I’ve decided to come back to Earth and focus on what I can do.  I can’t sell books, I can’t generate web traffic, I can’t write and I can’t code but I can keep trying.  I guess that’s all I have.  So I’m not giving up, just taking a break.  I’m almost twenty eight years old, if I keep obsessing over making my dreams come true I feel I’ll just burn out and kill myself at thirty.  I need to accept that chances are I’ll never be a success, but I should keep trying.  If there is one thing I’m good at it’s trying.  Sometimes I think it’s all I’m good at.

I’ve been grinding away for years at this mess that I call my life.  Time to just let it lie.  I know that programming is just a distraction, that it won’t lead anywhere, but I keep trying.  I need to accept this fact with my writing as well, so I’ve put it down.  Hell, even posting here, I’ve let that go too I just don’t see the reason, but I keep doing it.

To the two to three people (most likely family members) that read this, thanks for reading.  I will try to post here more, just don’t expect a book release any time soon.

Here is a download of one of the projects I did as part of my learning in python.  It’s a simple text based game, there are a few bugs and plenty of spelling errors but if you want to see what I’ve been up to feel free to download the file.  Play it through a few times, there are multiple paths to the end (or death, depending on what you do).

Post Nuke

***please note that because it’s a script packaged into an executable antivirus software hates it, you might get a few warnings.  Trust me, it’s fine, I’m not smart enough to make a virus.  If you don’t trust me don’t download it, you’re not missing much anyway, it’s just a proof of concept.***

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