Finding a reason

Finding a Reason

Finding a reason for what I do is probably the most difficult thing for me.  Difficult because the reasons are not always something easily visible, or even things I think of beforehand.  Difficult because I often forget (or lose sight of) the reason I’m doing something.  I have a lot of things that I take on, different projects and ideas and hobbies I pursue.  Sometimes I get lost in the weeds and end up unable to do anything, sometimes I forget the reason I do anything.  Sometimes it all falls apart and I forget what’s important.

Some people might have noticed that I took Book Collector Club offline.  This is because I didn’t have the time or the money to promote it and it was not making any (literally 0) sales.  The lack of sales was because I didn’t have the time or the energy (or the interest) to keep it going.  I started the business as a way to escape the daily grind I’m in now, but couldn’t commit the time needed to actually make it succeed.  I was also unsure of the product I was offering, do people really want totally random monthly books delivered?  I don’t know, I’ll add the subscription option to my shop here and find out.

Book Collector Club

My goal in life is to work for myself at a job I don’t hate.  Work in a way that allows me to choose my hours and where I work.  That’s what I want.  Book Collector Club could have offered that if I had the ability to push it toward that, but I don’t.  I couldn’t focus one hundred percent of my energy on it, I couldn’t sacrifice my writing for it.  I couldn’t sacrifice the other hobbies I have for it and because I work full time I couldn’t find the space to fit it into my day.

This is where finding reasons for doing things comes into play.  The reason I started Book Collector Club was all wrong.  I was looking for an easy income source and it was not that.  It needed work, the product was too niche, too different, and it needed to be babied and handled by someone with a passion for it.  As much as I tried my passions lie elsewhere.

I dropped it so that I can focus on my writing more, focus on this site a bit more, and focus on teaching myself programming.  I know I still have a lot going on but I can’t drop any of it, my reasons for doing these things are too strong.  I also need to remember what’s going to help my reach my goal and what’s a hobby, something I enjoy that won’t help me end up where I want to be.

One of the main things that pushed me was that I sold three copies of my books last month.  Three copies without a new release is actually huge for me.  I know people will laugh at that but my book sales are just barely in the hundreds (with the majority of those ‘sales’ being part of a promotional free week).  Normally I only make sales when I publish something new, and then just to family and friends.  I haven’t sold a copy in nearly a year and then last month I sold three.  Not a lot but enough to show me where I need to focus my time.  Enough to remind me of the reason for doing what I do.

The reasons I write are because I enjoy it, because it helps keep me sane, because I can’t not do it, and because there is a small chance it will help me on my goal of working and living for myself.

The reason I want to learn how to program is because it combines building and crafting things with writing.  Because it will help me in turning this videogame idea I have into reality. And because there is a chance that if I get good enough at it I can make a living doing it.

The reason I work out is because it keeps me mentally (and physically) healthy.

The reason I make things, camp, climb, run a game server and countless other hobbies is because they are fun.

The reason play around with cryptocurrencies is because I believe they are important tools in fixing a broken system.

The reason I invest is so I can retire.

The reason I work is so I can eat (and pay rent).

The reason I keep taking on so much and so many random projects is because I’m frantically searching for a way to live a life that makes me happy and content.  A life where I work for myself and spend my time pursuing my dreams and passions.  I don’t hate my job I just hate working for someone else’s dream.  I don’t want to live a life where I don’t work, I want to live a life where I can make a living working on my own causes.  I need to stop spinning about frantically looking for that and instead focus on making what I already do even better.

What do I know though?  I might just have ADHD.  I’m just a failure working on trying to stop being a failure (and failing at it so far).

Oh well, keep pushing, keep trying, and zero in on things that have a real reason.

As a side note, the manuscript I’m working on now is (working) titled “Chasing a Reason”, maybe that’s what I’m doing.


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